Mutual suspicion, emotional wither wither wounds


My wife was furious with me for the last time, smashing a rice cooker and four bowls and Shouting angrily in a high octave voice, “I’ll never know what you’re thinking!”I went silently to the balcony and lit a cigarette.It gets dark early in late autumn in the north, and the distant street lamps shine brightly in the cold air.At this moment, the south is afraid of the sunset sky.Over the years, I got used to moving back and forth between north and south.First, to make money south, also experienced a small glory, then the market downturn, business.And old wife does civil servant all the way ascends in old home, tie steady foundation.She used to urge me to come home, and when I came back to her, she was always sarcastic.The old wife is no longer that shy and taciturn, looking at me when the eyes of a simple woman worship.I remember that when I was in love, I went to see her at school. In order to open the girl’s heart, I talked about Freud’s “The Interpretation of Dreams” which I had just finished reading. Finally, I concluded that with the improvement of contraceptive technology, sex had become more and more far from pure reproductive function, and more and more became a way of entertainment.That was a very powerful idea, at that time.I was more trying to impress her by showing that I was different.In the heat of the day, I endure the campus grass mosquito bites hard, in exchange for her long time to open the mouth, staring at me, a vacant face.Until after marriage, the old wife is not happy, will give me a “big fool” hat, said that I was with three inches of not rotten tongue will her this “ignorant girl” cheated hands.These words hurt, and I gradually grew silent in her presence — perhaps more to do, of course, with my declining position in the family.My silence, in return for the old wife more complaints and suspicion.One Year during the Spring Festival, I went back to my hometown from the south, crowded in the crowd of people during the Spring Festival. When I got off the train, I could not get a taxi. I walked several miles high and low in the snow.When I got home, my old wife bombarded me with questions: “Why didn’t you answer your cell phone?Deaf?Have you stopped at some friend’s first?”I expected to be greeted by at least one cup of hot tea…When the New Year bell rang, the greeting phone one after another, because with a female colleague to talk a few more words, the old wife pulled a long face, coldly said: “And cheat which woman?You won’t wonder for a few days.”I listened, only a wry smile.My wife may be really not trust me a person outside, afraid I have two minds;Or maybe she just decided I was a man with a lot of words and a lot of character issues.In the first few years, when the two places were separated, she called me every once in a while to check my post, AND I would explain to her in kind words. Later, she intensified her suspicion, and my heart gradually cooled and no longer refuted.I’ve tried to go home, to her, but within a few months, things escalate and I get bored.Ten years of separation, off and on, is enough to make two people who originally loved each other drift apart.Finally in the 11th year after marriage, my old wife and I walked into the civil affairs bureau.Come out from civil affairs bureau, old wife becomes ex-wife.A year after my divorce, I accidentally found a girlfriend who lived in two places, which I didn’t care about at first.We met in a gossiping QQ group.Just as cocks like to shake their crests in front of hens to show off their grandeur, men like to show off their strengths and assets whenever they get a chance. This is probably a common male fault.In the group, I like the strengths of the book bag has been played, just from somewhere to hear a “divorce is a progress”, become the theme of my chat boast.My girlfriend later said that she thought I was a professor at some university.There is a saying in Fortress Besieged by Qian Zhongshu that when an aged person falls in love, it is like an old house on fire.We are in general the same way.Although the people around are not optimistic, but my girlfriend and I still vigorous, serious about love.At first, when I was free, I ran to her whenever I could, and the inconvenience of separation was overlooked.We have a telephone hotline package, plus an illustrated QQ contact.In the evening, we in the network of two ends, sing together “white fox”, sing “meet you is my fate”, make me an old man often burst into tears.In the days when I went there, I lived in a quiet town, ate the fragrant local pork, walked and talked along the river, love was sweet.After a year of dating, she was temporarily transferred to a more remote place to work, and MY work was getting busy, so SHE no longer ran there.Later, they both planted vegetables in QQ farm, in order to have more vegetables to steal, she tried to join the group of friends.As her vegetable patch grew, our feelings seemed to drift apart.Fate seems to repeat itself once again.One day late at night, I use her QQ line to plant grass to put worms on his ground, accidentally see a head in flashing, point open a look, is a man ambiguous message: “what do you do, miss you.”I became alarmed and went through the messages of the groups she had been in. She was quite active, talking and laughing.I wanted to keep watching, but I couldn’t hold it in and had a showdown with her the next day.I said, although the network is virtual, but the person after meeting is real, since I can get to know her through the group, so others can naturally.She was very aggrieved, repeatedly said that everyone should have their own space, and she usually like to joke.That night, we went from the Internet to the phone, to texting, no one could convince anyone.Relieved, PERHAPS, by her saying that she would never do anything wrong, I decided to let it go.But the QQ that hidden countless affair may resemble a thorn however, tie up I perturbed.Later she came to me once, I could not help asking her to open the QQ which had changed the password to show me.She was adamant.”Why don’t you give me a little security?””You have to trust me,” she insisted.Since then, her QQ has become a stone in our relationship. While talking, she would mention that she has such a private plot, and I don’t know why people cultivate what plants.The heat of love gradually cooled down, my girlfriend could not be transferred to my city in the short term, we finally chose to give up.In the dead of night, I would take out the wedding photos I had taken with my girlfriend and scrutinize them.To this relationship, at first, we have been doubly protective, believe that this time will last forever.Ex-wife is on a business trip in south China and has dinner with her.After more than two years of absence, she pined away a lot, and her eyes were no longer harsh and suspicious.She asked: “I heard you found a date, soon to get married?”I put a hand: “or two places separated, scattered.”Once, time and distance let me and ex-wife words not congenial, but now sitting in a small table in a foreign land, two people can quietly talk about things.I with cummer how to get acquainted with, how to break up of the matter with her ramble, she listened to, a sigh: “you also have today.It’s just that we don’t trust each other.”I was stunned to see what she meant and smiled bitterly. “I swear I never did anything wrong to you except dance with a client once and dream about her at night.”The ex-wife lowered her head and fell silent.After a few glasses of wine, as everything blurred and the past became clearer, IT dawned on me that the separation might not have been the cause of my relationship’s eventual demise.Heart and heart of mutual suspicion, is the source of all alienation.

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